Today has been really hard for me, I have considered myself to be in a place of the utmost awareness. I have even been thinking back to place a time and space when this transformation began. A time before I was most comfortable in my bed than outside with the world, or before I killed off all my confidence and put my whole being into my waist size. 


I feel invisible, ppl reintroduce themselves to me over and over as if i make no impact, or im not memorable, or Im forever changing. I watch as ppl walk over me, choosing not to see me almost causing harm and injury and I feel lost and bewildered as to how do I get noticed, how do I become someone who others see and value. 


I feel better walking out as someone else and not as me, but I killed her in my sadness and depression and my loss of hope, and am fighting now to regain her back. This is the saddest I have been with actual reason in a while. I have been reading Susan Taylors, All About Love and find myself entangled in each word as I read through the pages, wondering if there is still hope, or am I so far gone, Ive been lost to all the unfounded fears, and lack of love and self hating and loathing that there is no way for me to relearn the concept that I do deserve to love and be loved. That I actually have a purpose and a reason for living and I am not just taking space. 


not that anyone actually see me standing here.