I realized i really love men, especially black men, and if i let go of some of the hang ups about myself, they might let go of some of the hang ups they have about me. I have known for a while i can't control them but as a woman i can sway them. my goal now it to make healthy/ positive choices about the men i allow into my space. I have really become interested in men younger than me, and because of this i have had to work around the male attitude towards marriage and waiting and the feeling of my being older and how i treat them because of that and how i feel about that.
I had to let go of the stigmas i believed about younger men, such as they couldn't be the man because they were younger than me they couldn't be stable or they couldn't lead because of age. I had found that the fun and energy i could get with a younger man was beneficial when i wasn't getting it from older guys and they are acting as if they are young guys, i mean what do you expect from a 40 year old man who has never been married (#fail). So i rather go with what i enjoy.
So if u hadn't been reading i had lost 40 lbs last year and after a leave of absence from my job I gained 20-30lbs of it back #fail. and because of the gain, i began to feel very cautious again about my physical appearance.
But after hanging out with a few guys, i realized they liked what was before them they appreciated me as was, was it because i was the only woman their, maybe but honestly even i have to appreciate my qualities and accentuate what is there and not whats not. at the end of the day i need to be thankful for the 2 legs/2 arms/ 10 fingers/ 10 toes/ the beautiful smile/ my cute lil nose/ my eyes that see/ my ears that hears/ my mouth that speaks volumes/ my head full of brains/ my womanly touches/ and they place were my treasures lie
i fully embrace me, and the difference in the woman i am, knowing my being me takes nothing from you being you, and vice versa. i will always love being a woman not because of the ability to carry a baby or have a monthly cycle no in full those are the most fun, but its the power i have that you can see as i glide across a room with all eyes on me. or how i cater to you with out over shadowing me. its the bang in my buck, the way i shimmy and the sweet scent of my fuck.
Being a woman a black woman is no ease of call, its difficult but only a few of us are given the option and i will love my blackness, my womanly ways and love me first and a man will follow in a haze, enamored and unsure why, but intent on making me his wife. Putting it up to God, speaking it out loud.
