How my past effects my future (friendships)

I have been having the most difficult time with friendships, I wonder how my old reflection of myself is an aspect of not only the friends I made but how I maintained them

In the past few years I have acquired some new developments, I don't feel I had changed, but there is an evolving of who I am going on, I am becoming more the person I am inside reflecting that now upon the world.

I feel my weight and my outer self is very much as aspect of the hate, negative and critical aspects I feel about myself that anyone in that time may have been apart of feeding that because I wasnt good enough to have the ppl I need. 

I find I do this with men, in dating or interacting with men i feel only deserve what I am.

I wonder how to evolve and maintain whats already there. 

Today is June 23, I have been working on improving my weight and fitness, I have been crossfitting for about 2 months now and running for about a month.

I have decided on a goal of health and fitness over weight loss but am looking to see results.

My biggest conflict as of today is my diet and eating I do not feel it is conducive to my goals and I find often I feel heavy bloated and sick after consuming certain foods I wish to really change my eating but haven't found what fits for my lifestyle as of yet.

I hope to reach a reasonable goal of −50lbs by December of this year.

I will begin blogging daily food and workouts. I look forward to really making this process work.