real talk

so its 20/10 and i brought in this year as i had never expected, i made big changes and accepted things about me i hadn't before.

I realized i really love men, especially black men, and if i let go of some of the hang ups about myself, they might let go of some of the hang ups they have about me. I have known for a while i can't control them but as a woman i can sway them. my goal now it to make healthy/ positive choices about the men i allow into my space. I have really become interested in men younger than me, and because of this i have had to work around the male attitude towards marriage and waiting and the feeling of my being older and how i treat them because of that and how i feel about that.

I had to let go of the stigmas i believed about younger men, such as they couldn't be the man because they were younger than me they couldn't be stable or they couldn't lead because of age. I had found that the fun and energy i could get with a younger man was beneficial when i wasn't getting it from older guys and they are acting as if they are young guys, i mean what do you expect from a 40 year old man who has never been married (#fail). So i rather go with what i enjoy.

So if u hadn't been reading i had lost 40 lbs last year and after a leave of absence from my job I gained 20-30lbs of it back #fail. and because of the gain, i began to feel very cautious again about my physical appearance.

But after hanging out with a few guys, i realized they liked what was before them they appreciated me as was, was it because i was the only woman their, maybe but honestly even i have to appreciate my qualities and accentuate what is there and not whats not. at the end of the day i need to be thankful for the 2 legs/2 arms/ 10 fingers/ 10 toes/ the beautiful smile/ my cute lil nose/ my eyes that see/ my ears that hears/ my mouth that speaks volumes/ my head full of brains/ my womanly touches/ and they place were my treasures lie

i fully embrace me, and the difference in the woman i am, knowing my being me takes nothing from you being you, and vice versa. i will always love being a woman not because of the ability to carry a baby or have a monthly cycle no in full those are the most fun, but its the power i have that you can see as i glide across a room with all eyes on me. or how i cater to you with out over shadowing me. its the bang in my buck, the way i shimmy and the sweet scent of my fuck.

Being a woman a black woman is no ease of call, its difficult but only a few of us are given the option and i will love my blackness, my womanly ways and love me first and a man will follow in a haze, enamored and unsure why, but intent on making me his wife. Putting it up to God, speaking it out loud.

4 of 28 open journal

I have really looked at what I want for my life and have decided I need a change of scenery, I am looking to move from my love LA and find my place in the world even if later it brings me back to LA.
I havent fully gotten on the cleanse but I have gone with out meat other than fish and other seafood. Its hard when you conscientiously decide to make a change. I will allow for the cheat. but right now I am gaining control of what I eat and my portions and how to live in this body for this life.
men... ummm

3 of 28 open journal

ok so i wasn't as successful as i thought in getting off food in 3 days... i havent been crazy about eating but yes i have been eating none the less. i am looking at relationships and so far i know i dont want to be 40 and single, i dont want to be that person. i have been thinking about my career options and i know i need to make that change.
im tired tonight so im going to leave it brief again.

day 3 of 28, open journal

Ok, I haven't been so successful in transitioning to the master cleanse. but i am working towards it and i am willing to sacrifice my thanksgiving to do my 28 days. I am planning outings and activities, to keep myself busy and in the mix. making new positive friends and i am working on not putting myself out there before i am ready. this will be a great process in the end. fyi no txt today..

2 of 28 open journal

So i decided to give up food and flesh, and when i say flesh for me it means men. when ever i over indulge in things like food for which i gained 20lbs in the last 6 months from. i go all or nothing, and because i am not having the relationships i want. i'd like to be in a committed mutual trusting loving relationship, during the the 28 days i like to further realistically pinpoint my wants needs and desires as i really get in tune with who i am, who i want to be, and what i want for my future. i will have to let go of things i love and embrace the new scary things.
i will get all these things out, see myself for who i am, by giving up the things that take from that. i know i will be using the master cleanse to aide me in my freedom from, and i will be eliminating the relationship aspect of my friendships. it will be hard, but i look forward to what comes of the 28 days. i will also be riding on here daily but for my book, and magazine blog

Day 1 of 28 an open journal

My goal is to get reconnected w/ myself, my goals, my future, my desires.
I am giving up food and flesh. (*i am slowly getting off the food, should be completely off by wednesday)
I am looking for a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual reawakening

A farewell to MJ

July 7, 2009

Ive returned from celebrating with many of you, the life of a man who in our time became a Legend on the same scale of Elvis Presley, John F. Kennedy, The Pope, Mother Theresa, John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr., and Ghandi. I captured this moment in imagery and words, and just took what I saw, because at the end of it all, it was more then a man whom crossed generational lines, from mothers to daughter, to grandfathers and grandsons.
But a man who we often forget, was a father and a brother and a son. But because his purpose was to be of greatness, and from the beginning to end, we invaded that space that place the made him human. One man on the radio said, “I never thought he would die.”
No man no matter how great, no matter how many lives he/ she touches we are not immortal, we can all be assured that we will all leave this earth, after our purpose has been served.
They continued to mention Mr. Jackson loved his family, loved his friends, loved his fans, but what I want for us to all do is include ourselves, when Im gone I want it to be known that I loved all those around me and I loved myself.
MJ wasn’t the only person to leave us this year, that month or that day for that matter. Many celebrities and other well know personalities passed, as well as out family and friends. So we all need to beware, and take into account our days are numbered from the moment we are born, and we never know when our last breath will be, its in all our best interest to come correct, with our god, our creator, or maker, for whom ever we believe

death is an inconvience of life

as i sit here trying to do what i need to do to live. I am confined by what i need to do to honor someone in death. understand in no way am i disrespecting the life lived, in no way am i trying to down play God's cycle but in that one moment, u realize life goes on. when its all said and done i may wake up the next day and continue on. so i struggle in the moment to do what it is God wants me to do to honor him. but there is a lil fight in the fact that because one life has stopped, for a moment in time i have to stand still. (*sigh)
i pray you see the gates of heaven and God welcomes you in to his open arms. because its his will i will take a moment, i will reflect on the life you lived, and the life i am living and i will stop my kicking. there is nothing more important than life, because there is no value you can place on someone here and, gone.