Snags in the road

I had to attend a funeral in Nashville and though I got in a day of crossfit I got in five free days, and it was so damn good.

So I fear stepping on the scale and even more I am struggling to get back to the more whole some eating.

I dont like being fat, and I don find myself desirable.

when theres nothing left, pray

I believe everything has its reason. Right now im at a point in my life where i have no crutches or dependenies. I must face my problems and be aware they exist and to get over whatever they maybe I have nothing to run to, no vice or numbing aide, all I have left is prayer.

30 days of CrossFit

I did thirty days of CrossFit and of those thirtydays I was prolly in the gym 20 days are more. I aspire to make more changes because of this month long experiment. I appreciate what this sport has done for me and the changes ive made, i am being patient with results and finding new ways to keep active and  change up my workout

Whole 30

Ive been doing whole 30 about a week now along with crossfit and running, with the last week ive dropped 8 lbs on scale number wise. Which shows me my diet is a ajot factor in my weight issues and concerns. So i have four more weeks to go well see what happens

Week 3

So far Ive done 3 weeks of crossfit and a week of Whole 30, I feel good, I've lost 4 lbs and plenty of inches, consistant.

Life long change

For years now I have been running from what I know is most true in life, the foods I most want and enjoy are negatively affecting my body. As much as I may enjoy sweet treats, breads and pastas, it may not just be that they are the cause of my weight issue, but they are a greater part of my health issue. Its hard to say but I may not be able to accept portion control as my way of battling my weight issues, I may really hace to step away from the table. I  cant be tested for a gluten intolerance  no a lack of health insurance and a failed health care system has robbed me of that but I will eat clean and use this Whole 30 program some one put me on to. I begin tomorrow with the hesitantion and awareness I may enjoyed my last piece of cake for a very very very very long time.

one day at a time begins tomorrow.

Change

I have to make change, i have to sit in reflection of my immediate reaction and want to correct, change and finalize everything.

I need to breath, relax and know that in time it will come.

Crossfit

Day four of Crossfit, and I am loving it, the way it pushes me, I compete with myself and I can see the improvement in my fitness level. so now the question is to Paleo or to Not Paleo, well to go no carb no sugar and eat as close to natural as possible.

I will see what I can do as far as food and money in the next few days.

I am excited for my full month of crossfit and to see where I can take my body and fitness level.

I had sugar today as well as flour and I will see how it will affect me tomorrow.

Today

I woke up wondering why it seems that if I die it wouldn't cause a rip in time, nothing would be affected, and I realized I live a very isolated life that affects no one.

I woke at 6am and got a pretty decent amount of work done and though I had been up since 1am I seemed to not be as fatigued this morning and was able to go the day without napping until about 5pm, and i needed a nap.

I have isolated myself for the most part only accepting in positive, I can no longer accept or allow others to pull upon me because it benefits them.

I am not sure if how Im walking my life is right or wrong, but I know I want better, I believe I deserve better. from myself and from others.

I have been eating "clean" for about 3 days and really paying attention to how my body responds.

Fatigue

I woke this morning around 8 and somewhat handled the things I needed to deal with. I got some writing in and though I had intended to go to the gym, I just stayed home and by 2 I decided to take a nap. I do not understand why I am this tired. I take (thought i didnt today 2- 2500 mcg of B12, i usually do a juice drink with Chia and super green food.) I really shouldnt be this fatigued. I have felt slower, more tired and less capable then all my years.

I really feel i waited to long and failed myself.

Depression

Last night I went to bed and I was just feeling horrible. I feel like people constantly take from me with no idea how to give back, that people don't see me when in large crowd and this is nothing like who or who I was in the past. I don't don't know if my assumptions are wrong, if I am the cause of this darkness that is looming over me.   (so where I wanted to write out this lovely darkness I felt shrouded in last night, I am some what glad I didn't, I had not only the night but a great conversation to console upon.)

Today I spoke to someone about symptom of an allergy she had experienced, inclusive of fatigue and depression. Who would have know gluten caused fatigue and depression. this gave me glorious hope that maybe these thoughts and feelings I've been experiencing these last few years haven't been as unrealistic or with out cause as I have thought. Not that I am self diagnosing, but I can say the cleaner I have eaten the less I have had issues of this matter. I am not in the place to be tested at the moment but It will be the first thing I do when I get insurance.

Until then I will make some changes, and if I do test and the results do not conclude to reveal many of my issues, i may have to seek further help and assistance.

It is just very dark and lonely.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have to get used to and accept the fact that I am perfectly imperfect. I say and do things that annoy me. I look in the mirror and am just instantly upset with what I see; angered by what I haven't changed. I cringe by those things perfected in others and not in myself.

I feel I have done so much to work on whats on the inside my outside now doesn't shine. It's simple flawed and dulled, because this isn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't how I see myself when I picture myself with my eyes shut tight.

I question why I binge. Why I have a constant feeling of self loathing and hatred. Why I sometimes feel this comes from others or even strangers, why I feel over looked and invisible in crowds. I have no answers, it just takes me into a darkness, that initiates the repetition of a cycle.

I'm tired, of fighting myself for an image I haven't lived up to.

Today, I did pretty well with my fitness, not so good with my eating.  I ran/ walked almost 4 miles. I need to take time and come up with a food plan and buy healthy options, unfortunately my pockets are low so I will have to contact cal fresh and see what I can do about getting services to aid me.

I feel a little better emotionally, but I think I just need to be silent and really need to find out who I am and where I want to be.

I am tired of feeling sad. really sad, i feel horrible like i'm just waiting to dying as the world closes in on me... shits not fun.

Day 1 of 28 a open journal

So the first couple of days are dedicated to the changes i'd like to see and make in myself, and thought i had done or been doing all this time, but it wasn't very effective, cuz im back at it

(I left this unfinished at least a year ago, and because I am always so caught up in a million things I drop, them)

But I have to commit to me, I have to be willing to remain consistent and vital in my own pursuits even in those that are most difficult and challenging.  I have to know that if I always put me first to meet those changes I seek, I will eventually with consistency see results though they may be slow and a long time coming.)

I have a few challenges for myself, one which i have hesitated to commit to for the past few years, and a few more I will list in my journal tomorrow.

Today has been really hard for me, I have considered myself to be in a place of the utmost awareness. I have even been thinking back to place a time and space when this transformation began. A time before I was most comfortable in my bed than outside with the world, or before I killed off all my confidence and put my whole being into my waist size. 


I feel invisible, ppl reintroduce themselves to me over and over as if i make no impact, or im not memorable, or Im forever changing. I watch as ppl walk over me, choosing not to see me almost causing harm and injury and I feel lost and bewildered as to how do I get noticed, how do I become someone who others see and value. 


I feel better walking out as someone else and not as me, but I killed her in my sadness and depression and my loss of hope, and am fighting now to regain her back. This is the saddest I have been with actual reason in a while. I have been reading Susan Taylors, All About Love and find myself entangled in each word as I read through the pages, wondering if there is still hope, or am I so far gone, Ive been lost to all the unfounded fears, and lack of love and self hating and loathing that there is no way for me to relearn the concept that I do deserve to love and be loved. That I actually have a purpose and a reason for living and I am not just taking space. 


not that anyone actually see me standing here. 

How my past effects my future (friendships)

I have been having the most difficult time with friendships, I wonder how my old reflection of myself is an aspect of not only the friends I made but how I maintained them

In the past few years I have acquired some new developments, I don't feel I had changed, but there is an evolving of who I am going on, I am becoming more the person I am inside reflecting that now upon the world.

I feel my weight and my outer self is very much as aspect of the hate, negative and critical aspects I feel about myself that anyone in that time may have been apart of feeding that because I wasnt good enough to have the ppl I need. 

I find I do this with men, in dating or interacting with men i feel only deserve what I am.

I wonder how to evolve and maintain whats already there. 

Today is June 23, I have been working on improving my weight and fitness, I have been crossfitting for about 2 months now and running for about a month.

I have decided on a goal of health and fitness over weight loss but am looking to see results.

My biggest conflict as of today is my diet and eating I do not feel it is conducive to my goals and I find often I feel heavy bloated and sick after consuming certain foods I wish to really change my eating but haven't found what fits for my lifestyle as of yet.

I hope to reach a reasonable goal of −50lbs by December of this year.

I will begin blogging daily food and workouts. I look forward to really making this process work.